Whose Number One?*

Whose number one? Our number one, of course. Number one what? Number one Division I volleyball team. Well, who is number one? The past week featured losses by Nebraska (0-3 to Texas) and Stanford (1-3) to USC, which were sure to stir things up. Sure enough, the rankings came out and the decision was un-unanimous:

RichKern.com Poll = Nebraska
RKPI = Stanford
ACVA Coaches Poll = Penn State
Pablo = Nebraska
(A)rfda!s Dead Dog’s Poll = Washington

Let’s examine these rankings in more detail, shall we? Oh, yes, we shall. I may even gripe about them. After all, it’s my blog and I’ll cry if I want to.

Right off the bat, we’re tempted to throw out the dead dog’s poll (lack of emphasis mine). His blatant bias for all things canine would be laughable if there weren’t so many people out there taking him seriously. On the other hand, it gives us a fourth team to talk about and variety is always good -- except perhaps in Dick Cheney’s Chamber of Doom.

The most exciting ranking of the week is, without a doubt, the AVCA poll. Exciting, that is, in the way that Consumer Satisfaction Surveys can be thrilling to a very, very narrow segment of the population. Four teams split the 60 first-place votes this week, with the Nittany Lions edging out the Cornhuskers 26-25. In addition, Texas (with 5 votes) and Washington (with 4 votes) were the favorites of the remaining coaches. The result of all this collective dithering was that the Penn Staters also squeaked by the Nebraskateers in total points, 1455 to 1444, and were thus awarded the #1 ranking and all the parting gifts which come with it. Five teams are now within 220 points of that #1 ranking, however -- by far the closest bunching of the year. To top that off, #7 through #10 are separated by less than 100 points.

“That guy Pablo on Rich Kern’s website” has crunched his numbers (the Pablo Ranking) and concluded that Nebraska and Texas, separated by a mere 50 points, are the crème de la crème, or, as we put it in the good ol’ USA, the pick of the mother cat’s offspring. Washington, Stanford and Penn State are also in the general neighborhood, while USC appears to have been placed in a different zip code area altogether. Take it up with Pablo, Mick.

Then there’s that Rich Kern on Rich Kern’s website whose faux RPI, the RKPI, has spat out The Cardinal as the #1 team in the land. It’s heady stuff, but if you have the subscription and the time here’s the link where he shows his work. Personally, I think he forgot to carry the “2”, but whatever.

http://www.richkern.com/vb/rankings/TeamSheet.asp?Div=DI&VBYear=2007&abbr=stan

Also at Rich Kern’s website is the RichKern.com Poll, compiled from the rankings of up to 14 volleyball fans from around the country. This would-be People's Poll also has Nebraska as #1.

Last, and definitely least, is the aforementioned Dead Dog’s Poll, which is based on whether or not the team mascot is some sort of dog. Washington comes in at #1 this week. Take it up with (A)rfda!, Mick.

So what does this all mean? I wish I knew. I’m just giving you the facts, ma’am, just the facts. You want meaning? Wander on over to my What’s It All About, (A)rfda! blog.




*Ha! Betcha thought I made a mistacke!

Ask (R)uffda!

Ask (R)uffda!

I was told John Cook explained the 5-1 and 6-2 on a recent CSTV broadcast, but I missed it. (I was organizing my socks.) Can you give me a brief summary of these offensive systems?

Brief? That’s like asking Einstein to give a brief summary of his Theory of Relativity! This is complex stuff! Some of the best minds in the sport have spent years developing and perfecting these systems and have written volumes on the topic! For me to summarize their work would not not only be an act of supreme arrogance, it would be insulting to those distinguished trailblazers, some of whom gave their lives in pursuit of the rotational discourse!

That said, the 5-1 is run by a team whose setter rotates through the front row, meaning she only has two available front row hitters when she herself is in the front row. The 6-2 is run by a team with two setters positioned opposite each other in the team rotation, each of whom only set when in the back row. This means each setter always has three front row hitters available, which is usually two more than she needs.

You didn’t ask, but there is also the Hinkle-Farbuckle System conceived by Meghan Hinkle-Farbuckle, who, at the time, was a junior at Spiro Agnew High School in Pocomoke City, Maryland. Basically, it involved Hinkle-Farbuckle spiking any ball that came near her in the general direction of her head coach, with whom she had “issues.” This system is rarely employed.

I know this is off-topic, but could you give me a brief summary of Einstein’s Theory of Relativity? I’d ask Einstein, but I’m told he’s dead.

Well, sure. Simply put, it states that the odds of one of your cousins being a transcendent pain in the keyster is directly proportional to the likelihood of that cousin coming for an extended visit. See also the concept of “Black Hole.”

Can you tell me why servers who miss their serve are tapping themselves on the chest? At first I thought they were saying “My bad,” but then whose bad would it be if it weren’t their bad?

Whose bad is it? Why it’s your bad for not lending these poor servers the fan support they so obviously need. If you aren’t willing to step up and take the blame for their failures, you are not entitled to revel in their success. There’s way too much revelling in our society anyhow, if you ask me.

Why do people bother to ask you questions? You never give answers that are respectful, and they are frequently incorrect. I wouldn’t even be asking this question if I weren’t conveying a none-too-subtle statement of utter contempt in the process. Bozo.

Well, MY BAD I say, tapping my chest while I type (no easy task). I had no idea I was being disrespectful to my readership. Believe me, my intent was to focus the totality of my disrespect solely on YOU.

And, by the way, was it 1% or 2% you wanted me to pick up on the way home from work, dearest?