Ask (R)uffda!

Ask (R)uffda!

I was told John Cook explained the 5-1 and 6-2 on a recent CSTV broadcast, but I missed it. (I was organizing my socks.) Can you give me a brief summary of these offensive systems?

Brief? That’s like asking Einstein to give a brief summary of his Theory of Relativity! This is complex stuff! Some of the best minds in the sport have spent years developing and perfecting these systems and have written volumes on the topic! For me to summarize their work would not not only be an act of supreme arrogance, it would be insulting to those distinguished trailblazers, some of whom gave their lives in pursuit of the rotational discourse!

That said, the 5-1 is run by a team whose setter rotates through the front row, meaning she only has two available front row hitters when she herself is in the front row. The 6-2 is run by a team with two setters positioned opposite each other in the team rotation, each of whom only set when in the back row. This means each setter always has three front row hitters available, which is usually two more than she needs.

You didn’t ask, but there is also the Hinkle-Farbuckle System conceived by Meghan Hinkle-Farbuckle, who, at the time, was a junior at Spiro Agnew High School in Pocomoke City, Maryland. Basically, it involved Hinkle-Farbuckle spiking any ball that came near her in the general direction of her head coach, with whom she had “issues.” This system is rarely employed.

I know this is off-topic, but could you give me a brief summary of Einstein’s Theory of Relativity? I’d ask Einstein, but I’m told he’s dead.

Well, sure. Simply put, it states that the odds of one of your cousins being a transcendent pain in the keyster is directly proportional to the likelihood of that cousin coming for an extended visit. See also the concept of “Black Hole.”

Can you tell me why servers who miss their serve are tapping themselves on the chest? At first I thought they were saying “My bad,” but then whose bad would it be if it weren’t their bad?

Whose bad is it? Why it’s your bad for not lending these poor servers the fan support they so obviously need. If you aren’t willing to step up and take the blame for their failures, you are not entitled to revel in their success. There’s way too much revelling in our society anyhow, if you ask me.

Why do people bother to ask you questions? You never give answers that are respectful, and they are frequently incorrect. I wouldn’t even be asking this question if I weren’t conveying a none-too-subtle statement of utter contempt in the process. Bozo.

Well, MY BAD I say, tapping my chest while I type (no easy task). I had no idea I was being disrespectful to my readership. Believe me, my intent was to focus the totality of my disrespect solely on YOU.

And, by the way, was it 1% or 2% you wanted me to pick up on the way home from work, dearest?

Second person

You really wonder how this will work. Damn, that Wolfgang! you think to yourself and wonder how much longer you have to wait for lunch. You pause, re-read what you have written, admit it is all utterly banal, but decide to press on.

Lighten up! Nobody’s reading these things anyhow. Who do you think you are? YouTube? Perez Hilton? Funnylookingferrets.com?

Speaking of ferrets, you realize this is starting to sound a lot like Bright Lights, Big City. You thought that was a pretty good book, actually. Funny even. But it takes a pretty hefty ego to think you can pull it off. You don’t have a hefty ego. As a matter of fact, you’re sitting on the only hefty thing you do have. You are also no Jay McInerney. Hell, Jay McInerney is no Jay McInerney anymore.

Oh, don’t pout. Are you still planning on going to the Diet Coke Classic at the University of Minnesota this weekend? Man, there will be some good teams there! The Bobcats of Ohio (from your hometown, no less, right?), the Cardinal of Stanford (BASTA!), and the Toreroreroreos of San Diego (you liked the Jenny Craig Pavilion). Maybe you can blog about those matches afterward, eh? That would be cool. A few people might appreciate it or you can at least pretend they do.

Nice haircut, by the way. What the hell happened? Are you trying to make yourself as unattractive as possible? You’re married, sure, but that doesn’t mean you just give up. Have some self-pride, man. Get off the damned couch and walk a little! Lay off the doughnuts. And don’t let your kids cut your hair again.

What else looks interesting this weekend? Wisconsin @ BYU? That one might even be on the telly. UCLA @ Hawai’i (and the other Hawai’i matches)? Can the Wahine right the ship or is it time to man the lifeboats? Penn State and Nebraska will play each other @ Qwest in Omaha again, another one of those Husker non-home home matches. You always like to see those two clubs dance their tango of love. You aren’t still bitter about Pavan thinking you were someone else, are you?

You are unhappy with this blog. The point-of-view is not consistent. Sometimes it’s as if your mind is being read and sometimes you feel as if you are in a one-sided conversation with a real jerk. You hope the real jerk does not take offense, but doubt the idiot knows who you are talking about. You think you are pretty damned smart, don’t you?

Lastly, you wonder if anyone out there wants you to pay attention to anything in particular this weekend. SakiBomb has contacted you, but will anyone else? You don’t really care what Wolfgang wants, since he’s the one who inspired you to write this dreck in the first place. He has dreck on his hands, as far as you are concerned. Out! Out! Damned spot! or something like that.